Five Worlds We Really Don’t Want To See In Kingdom Hearts 4
Earlier this week I wrote about five worlds I’d love to see in Kingdom Hearts 4. It was a totally serious list fueled by equal parts hope and nostalgia, touching on a number of classic Disney films and shows that deserve a chance in Square Enix’s JRPG universe.
But enough about that rubbish. Disney is a company that now owns the majority of IP in all existence – at least it seems like it – which means the company is no longer defined by a mere collection of iconic animated films and shows. It owns Lucasfilm, Fox, Marvel, and countless other properties that themselves encapsulate thousands upon thousands of distinct fictional universes. In a strange twist of fate, all of these are now canon in the realm of Kingdom Hearts. Sorry I don’t make the rules.
So let’s dive into the monopolistic vaults and pull out a selection of locales that Sora, Donald, and Goofy should do everything in their path to avoid.
5 – Family Guy
“Frickin sweet, a keyblade!” Peter Griffin says as he stumbles into The Drunken Clam only to be greeted by a horde of Heartless. His drinking buddies have been possessed, so he must take up arms with his new allies to save Quahog and make some archaically offensive jokes along the way. There will even be a moment where he falls over and hurts his knee. Sssst… ahhhhh!
This has always been my worst nightmare, but with Disney’s acquisition of Fox the addition of Family Guy to Kingdom Hearts is no longer impossible. The tired adult animated comedy will likely never surface in the JRPG and for good reason, but the fact is no longer outside the realm of possibility frightens me to the very core. The same can be said for Bob’s Burgers or King of The Hill. Keep them far, far away.
4 – Grey’s Anatomy
American healthcare is miserable enough without adding anime melodrama and spiky-haired teenagers to the mix. Imagine being charged $50,000 dollars for someone to apply a plaster only to have Sora burst through the nearest door with his enemies in tow, pulling off drive commands as he makes a mess of the place with the iconic drama’s main characters by his side. Then all this finishes up with the revelation that your insurance sadly isn’t going to cover the plaster anyway. I’ll let them do Scrubs though, that’ll definitely work.
3 – Alien & Predator
Kingdom Hearts isn’t violent. There is seldom a drop of blood spilt across its myriad battles. Emotional damage is another matter entirely, but I don’t think we’ve ever been in a situation in the franchise’s history where someone is legit murdered. Well maybe a couple of times but it’s almost always wholesome.
Because of this, Alien and Predator wouldn’t work in Kingdom Hearts. These are films built around a huge cast of characters slowly but surely being killed with supernatural creatures that at first glance seem unstoppable. Sora, Donald, and Goofy being thrust aboard the Nostromo as all of their new friends are brutally torn apart would be a tinsy bit awkward.
I could maybe see them in Alien Vs. Predator. It’s PG-13 and the violence is far more understated. People are still being killed, but you could justify them fighting back against alien creatures and living to tell the tale given how stupid that film is. They could even become mates with the Predator towards the end instead of that lady I can’t remember the name of. That, and we need a Goofy chestburster scene. Like right now. Whoever Kingdom Hearts chooses, we lose.
2 – Dude, Where’s My Car?
A Kingdom Hearts stoner comedy actually sounds like the greatest thing ever made, but hurling our cast into this Ashton Kutcher vehicle (wahey) would be a terrible idea. It’s a cringey ol’ film, but Kingdom Hearts is way cringier and I bet they wouldn’t be any help at all in finding our main character’s car. They’d just hop in their Gummi Ship and fly away or find a weird JRPG villain hanging out in town they’d need to deal with instead.
What would Ashton Kutcher even do to fight in your party? He could awkward flirt with girls or bitchslap an enemy or two with the help of Sean William Scott I suppose. On paper this sounds like a great world for Kingdom Hearts, but trust me it wouldn’t be. Gawrsh, Where's My Gummi Ship?
- Die Hard
- The Walking Dead
- Planet of the Apes
- Ice Age
- The X-Files
- The Simpsons
1 – Gone Girl
This one is just a bit dark to be honest. Not sure they could get Ben Affleck either. What if it was Gone Goofy?
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